Word of the week: Wankpanzer

The perfect neologism for a perfectly hideous automotive phenomenon.

In November 2019, when Tesla announced its unlovely and (as it turned out) poorly designed Cybertruck, I reported some of the jokey alternative names that were being proposed by skeptics: Starship Pooper, Millennial Falcon, Mystery Science Aztek 3000, Muskmobile.

Original Cybertruck with original wordmark.

Now, thanks to a tip from reader/friend Mike Pope, I’ve learned a new name for the Cybertruck and its galumphing ilk: Wankpanzer.

Wankpanzer is a hilariously apt word. I love it! And now I am going to risk ruining it for you by explaining the joke.

Wank is a slang term, chiefly British, for “masturbate” (verb) or “masturbator” (noun). (The noun is often rendered as “wanker,” but “wank” will also do.) The closest American counterpart to “wank” is “jerk,” which at one time was considered slightly vulgar. (Compare “jerk off.”) Green’s Dictionary of Slang, compiled by

Jonathon GREEN

, dates the noun “wank” to 1958¹, at least in published materials. Even pre-wankpanzer, wank was a robustly productive combining form: wankstain, wankery, wankerchief, etc. Green even documents a direct antecedent of wankpanzer: wank tank. For the definition, he provides a 2004 Scottish citation: “a large, ostentatious car, purchased for the enhancement of its owner’s ego and the display of his material success.”

And speaking of tank . . .

Panzer is a German word meaning “tank”— specifically a series of tanks used by the German army in the 1930s and 1940s. In the Middle Ages, panzer meant a coat of mail. From armored clothing to armored vehicle: That was how panzer rolled.

World War II panzers via Britannica

You can see how today’s Brobdingnagian “sport utility vehicles,” often piloted by unsporty and unsporting suburbanites, might inspire the juxtaposition of “wank” and “tank.” But while wank tank has rhyme going for it, the military cosplay of panzer gives wankpanzer just the right ridiculous gloss. It’s even better if you can give the compound a Teutonic spin, which I can’t resist doing: VAHNK-pahntser.

The Cybertruck (“cyber” “truck”) may be the most glaring representation of a wankpanzer, but in fact a working definition for the word was submitted to Urban Dictionary in March 2015, anticipating the Cybertruck by more than four years:

“Wankpanzer: A pointlessly large and overpowered 4x4 vehicle, usually purchased as a boost to driver’s ego who is likely to have some kind of inferiority complex.”

Sometimes the wankery is almost too on the nose.

“CyberTrump” Source

“Wankpanzer” is interesting not only for what it means but also for how it’s constructed. On the YCombinator Hacker News forum, user “Schmageggy”² proposed in June 2022 that “wankpanzer” be categorized as a shitgibbon compound: “a single-syllable expletive followed by an absurd or innocuous two-syllable noun as a trochee.” Shitgibbon, of course, rose to prominence during the early days of the Trump White House residency. As Ben Zimmer noted in a February 2017 post for the Strong Language blog: “Shitgibbon has a lot going for it, with the same punchy meter as other Trumpian epithets popularized last summer like cockwomble, fucknugget, and jizztrumpet.” Ben traced the origin of shitgibbon in a follow-up article for Slate.

Over on the social media site formerly known as Twitter, an account called @WankpanzerWatch invites followers to submit photos of wankpanzers. The timeline is proof that wankpanzers are not an exclusively U.S. phenomenon; many examples, like this one, are from the U.K., where SUVs/wankpanzers are now the most popular type of car:

British wankpanzer behaving wankily.

Finally, hat tip to the Igor Naming Agency blog, which recently published what it called a leaked photo of “Cybertruck II,” due out in 2027. This vehicle — it has wheels — may indeed be the Platonic ideal of wankpanzers. Igor’s comment: “Note the evolution of the design: It is more fluid and easier on the eyes. It embraces a humanity lacking in the current model. Pure speculation, but it looks to be a convertible.”

But it is “Cyber”?

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1. Brendan Behan’s autobiographical novel Borstal Boy.

2. From Yiddish shmegegge, “a petty person; a whiner; a drip.”